Shades of Narcissism

In a previous post the signs and symptoms of narcissistic abuse were discussed. In this post, various ways that narcissism presents itself will be covered. Before we get started it is important to take note that narcissism is a spectrum and all people fall somewhere on that spectrum. This means that sometimes, we all behave or think narcissistically, but that thinking is not a representation of who we usually are and is often countered with a realistic view of the self. It is also important to remember that while narcissists are not to be condoned or excused for their destructive behaviors, they likely became narcissists due to childhood abuse, trauma, abandonment, or neglect. 

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders: DSM-5-TR states that in order for a person to be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), they must regularly display at least 5 of these 9 criteria:

• Grandiose view of accomplishments, self-importance, talents, and capabilities.
• A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love that can appear as perfectionism and the expectation that others will be perfect, too.
• A belief that they are special and unique and can only be understood by, or should only associate with, other ‘special’ people/institutions of high-status.
• A need for constant admiration and attention from others.
• A sense of entitlement and special treatment, whether deserved or not.
• Takes advantage of others for their own gain.
• Lacks empathy and is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
• Envies others but also believes that everyone is envious of them.
• Is haughty and arrogant in their behaviors and attitudes.

Other behaviors that may be present are: using lying and manipulation to get what they want, the inability to regulate self-esteem, a strong focus on appearances/possessions/status/etc., a lack of emotional connection with others, no respect for the personal boundaries of other people, a negative reaction to criticism of any kind, and a lack of accountability for their actions.

Types of Narcissists

Grandiose or Classic Narcissists are those that fit the stereotypical idea of narcissism often seen in movies or on TV. They are grandiose, vain, superficial, entitled, charming, arrogant, and like to show off. This type of narcissist is often easy to spot due to how they behave and speak of themselves. Conversations will be one sided, and you will notice that if you do get a turn to speak, they act aloof or busy. They are often charming and successful and may be prominent in their communities. They display NPD criteria unapologetically and don’t see how their behavior is hurtful or wrong. They deflect blame and don’t take accountability.

Vulnerable or Covert Narcissists do believe they are superior, but they are usually introverted and quiet and avoid being in the spotlight. They may play the victim or display false generosity for attention. These types are masters of projection which means that if they are behaving aggressively, they will accuse the person they are aggressing at as being aggressive instead of owning their aggressive behavior. These narcissists are also hypersensitive and display passive aggressive behaviors. These types also tend to have a bias for hostility, which means they often experience others as hostile even when they aren’t. They then respond with hostility and continue blaming others for being hostile. This type of narcissism is more likely to be associated with childhood abuse than other types.

Communal Narcissists look for praise and acknowledgement by appearing to be advocates for their communities or charities. The goal is to appear altruistic versus successful. These types participate in humanitarian causes not because they desire to help or inspire change, but because others tend to admire their ‘selflessness’. You will notice that this type of narcissist consistently posts online about the amazing work they are doing for others. They then thrive on the validations they receive about how big their hearts are, how amazing they are, and how selfless they are.

Malignant Narcissists are the most toxic. They are highly manipulative and get a kick out of exploiting others. They are deceitful, aggressive, ruthless, and will do anything for power and control. They also have zero remorse for any harm that occurs due to their actions. What makes them so toxic is how charismatic and charming they appear at first glance and once you become intertwined with this type of narcissist, it can feel very scary to leave for fear of merciless retaliation.

What distinguishes healthy aspects of narcissism from an NPD diagnosis is the frequency and severity of the behaviors displayed. Traits of healthy narcissism show up as positive self-esteem, healthy ambition, self-confidence, self-worth, persistence, the ability to prioritize their own needs while still valuing others, resilience, and a sense of well-being. Healthy narcissists are able to create connections with and support others, everything is not a competition. A healthy narcissist cares for themselves without violating, exploiting, or manipulating others. Healthy narcissism can be observed when one is assertive but not aggressive or cruel, embraces themselves for both their strengths and weaknesses, has pride in their abilities and accomplishments without boasting or arrogance, can establish and maintain healthy boundaries, admires others for their accomplishments instead of becoming antagonistic or competitive, and has a grounded/realistic approach to setting and meeting their goals. 

In an upcoming post, we will discuss the tactics narcissists use to manipulate and control others which will better position you to protect yourself.