Is My Partner A Narcissist?

Narcissism is a complex personality disorder most often rooted in attachment trauma that results from growing up with caregivers who were emotionally abusive, physically abusive, addicted to substances, or neglectful. While those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) likely acquired their personality structure due to reasons that deserve empathy and compassion, their behavior and approach to relationships with others, especially romantic partners, can result in a slow deterioration of one’s sense of self, outside relationships, physical health, and emotional well-being. 

NPD requires assessment and diagnosis completed by a mental health professional. It is wise to use caution when using the word Narcissist as it has become a buzz word that gets thrown around where it often does not belong. Again, Narcissism is complex and it is usually unhelpful to label someone as such. What is more important that trying to figure out if your partner is a narcissist is to focus on your own experience in the relationship. Focusing on your experiences in the relationship will help you understand yourself and what you need and want moving forward. 

Signs that you have been affected by a narcissistic may appear as: 

• You can’t understand what happened to the person you fell in love with: 
  • Narcissists know how to create feelings in another such as, “I cannot believe how lucky I am, I never knew I could feel so loved, cherished, and important. I cannot believe this is happening to me, I have truly met my soulmate and I didn’t even believe in soulmates!” Down the road, usually after commitments have been made, this feeling begins to erode and a person may start to wonder what they are doing wrong and put all of their energies into trying to get that feeling back while the narcissist completely stops trying. The resulting confusion is painful and can lead to a myriad of physical and emotional symptoms.

• No one else seems to notice the same changes you notice in the narcissist:
  • Beginning to sift through the pain and confusion of relational changes is hard enough, but becomes even harder when the narcissist’s friends and family don’t see the changes or make excuses for the behaviors. The result is the beginning of your self-trust starting to erode.

• You begin to experience symptoms of depression, anxiety, or physical ailments:
  • The narcissist may have started leaving you breadcrumbs that answer your question of what you’re doing wrong. They may lead you to worry about your behavior in front of others, that you are doing little things wrong, and that you would be good enough if only you _____. This can also be more overt such as blatant abuse, consistent nit picking, or harsh criticisms. Internalizing the negativity can lead to physical disturbances such as, but not limited to, stomach issues, sleep disturbances, problems eating too much or too little, aches and pains, extreme fatigue, substance abuse, or heart palpitations. 

• You start noticing that you feel like you have no one else to turn to:
  • Some people with NPD go as far as to isolate their partner from friends and family. If you notice that you are feeling apprehensive about reaching out to long time and trusted friends and family, this could be the result of subtle isolation tactics that, over time, lead one to feel like they have no one but the narcissist. 

• Setting boundaries, trusting yourself, and knowing yourself are experiences of the past:
  • Narcissists do not respect boundaries, which may lead you to start believing that your boundaries are unreasonable, stupid, or childish. If you have managed to continue making attempts to set boundaries, but things get worse instead of better, you may have lost touch with trusting yourself, the narcissist’s main goal. In healthy relationships, boundaries may feel disappointing at times, but both partners know that setting and respecting boundaries is what keeps the relationship happy and safe.
  • The erosion of self-trust can show up as not being able to make simple decisions without becoming riddled with anxiety. This is a result of being subjected to devaluing comments, put downs, criticism, and blame for months or years.
  • Losing a sense of knowing who you are can show up as looking in the mirror and not having a clue what has happened to the person you once saw. In efforts to regain the amazing experience from early in the relationship, you have become who the narcissist wants you to be, this is known as self-abandonment. As a result you might not have a sense of purpose or direction. Asking yourself questions such as “What has happened to me? Where did the happy, confident, successful person I once felt proud of go?” you may be caught in a narcissist’s web.

• You feel like you consistently walk on eggshells and cannot do anything right:
  • Conflict avoidance takes the forefront of all of your thought patterns and behaviors. You may have been blamed for so many things in the past that you assume anything that goes wrong is your fault. All of your energies go into trying to keep the narcissist happy to avoid painful backlash. Goal posts may feel like they are constantly being moved and when you do things exactly as you’ve been instructed, they are still wrong. 

• Self-destructive behaviors:
  • Self-harm and substance abuse are common amongst those who have been affected by a narcissist. Being controlled for months or years can lead to other self-destructive behaviors that mask painful feelings such a guilt, shame, and confusion.

• Trust issues, becoming overly obliging, and feelings of emotional disconnect:
  • Months or years of ignoring your own needs and wants to focus on the narcissist’s needs and wants can result in people-pleasing in other relationships, in other social networks, or at work. This can also take the form of no longer expressing emotions or feeling confused about how to respond emotionally at all.

Being slowly chiseled away at over months or years is devastating, even if it was hardly noticeable as it was occurring. It can be scary and difficult to face a reality you aren’t sure how you ended up in, but it is possible to rebuild your self-trust, self-confidence, and life. In a future blog post, the various types of Narcissists will be discussed.

If you feel as if you have been affected by narcissistic abuse, you are not alone and help is available. Call or text 480.378.7341 or email [email protected] to set up a free, 15-minute consultation today.