Understanding Marriage Counseling: A Look at Emotionally Focused Therapy and Building Communication Skills

How Does Couples Counseling Work?

Couples therapy can often be seen as a last resort when things start to feel disconnected or strained. But in reality, it is a proactive and highly beneficial way to strengthen the emotional bond between partners, improve communication, and build a healthier, more resilient relationship. One of the most effective approaches to marriage counseling is **Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), which focuses on understanding and improving emotional attachment between partners. This therapy model, along with a strong focus on building communication skills, can transform the way couples interact and help them overcome challenges more effectively.

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and How Many Sessions Are Needed?

EFT is based on a solid body of research and has been shown to be highly effective in helping couples reduce distress and improve relationship satisfaction. Studies suggest that over 70% of couples who participate in 10-20 regularly scheduled sessions of EFT report significant improvement in their relationship, and the majority also maintain these improvements in the long term. 

The premise of EFT is that at the core of most relationship problems there is an emotional disconnect between partners that began happening slowly over time and remained unnoticed until things begin to feel dire. When couples experience distressing relational interactions, they often fall into a negative cycle that leads to emotional withdrawal, defensiveness, or criticism—all of which destroy connection. EFT helps couples break these destructive patterns by addressing the emotions behind their behaviors and expressing those emotions which results in a more secure emotional attachment. As a result couples feel safe to express hurt, fear, disappointment, etc., instead of acting out and provoking one another.

The therapy is based on attachment theory, which suggests that humans have an innate need for emotional closeness and connection with others, especially with their romantic partners. When these needs are not met, individuals often feel anxious, rejected, or unloved, which can lead to emotional distance and conflict. EFT helps couples identify and express their deeper emotional needs. This increases understanding and empathy and helps partners reconnect on a deeper emotional level.

The Key Steps of EFT in Couples Counseling

1. Identifying Negative Patterns: In the early stages of therapy, the therapist helps the couple identify the negative interaction patterns they tend to fall into. These might include cycles of withdrawal, criticism, or blame. Partners may be caught in these patterns without fully realizing how they are contributing to the emotional distance in the relationship.

2. Uncovering Vulnerabilities: As humans, we all have vulnerabilities, whether we like to acknowledge them or not. EFT helps each partner explore their deeper emotional vulnerabilities. These often stem from unmet emotional needs or past experiences that influence how we react in relationships. For example, a partner who withdraws emotionally might be doing so because they feel afraid of rejection or overwhelmed by their partner’s emotional intensity. On the other hand, a partner who attacks and criticizes might be doing so because they feel afraid of being abandoned by their partner and fighting is better than the pain of quiet discord.

3. Reaching for Each Other: Once vulnerabilities are uncovered, the therapist guides partners toward reaching out to one another in more constructive ways. Instead of criticizing or withdrawing, partners learn to express their needs and desires in ways that invite empathy and understanding. For example, instead of saying “You never listen to me,” a partner might say, “I feel lonely and unheard when you’re on your phone during our conversations.” While the partner on their phone might be in the middle of a work crisis or engrossed in interesting content leading to frustration, they hear that the person they love is lonely and are more likely to empathize and put the phone down instead of calling their partner a nag who doesn’t get it.

4. Creating Secure Emotional Bonds: EFT aims to help couples create a secure emotional bond by encouraging partners to validate and respond to each other’s emotional needs. Through this process, couples learn to develop a safe emotional space where they can be open, vulnerable, and responsive to each other’s needs.

5. Reinforcing Positive Changes: The final phase of EFT involves reinforcing the positive changes in communication and emotional responsiveness. The therapist helps the couple strengthen the new patterns of interaction so that they can continue to apply these skills outside of therapy, even when challenges arise in the future.

Building Communication Skills: A Vital Component of Couples Counseling

While EFT focuses on improving emotional connection, effective communication is equally crucial for relationship success. Marriage counseling sessions often involve teaching couples how to communicate in ways that foster understanding and closeness rather than alienation and hurt.

Here are some essential communication skills that couples can learn during therapy:

1. Active Listening: Listening is not just hearing the words your partner says—it’s about paying attention to the underlying emotions and needs behind those words. Active listening involves giving your partner your full attention, acknowledging their feelings, and reflecting back what they’ve said, even if you disagree. For example, you might say, “I hear that you’re feeling frustrated because you feel like I don’t help enough with the housework. Is that right?” This shows your partner that you understand their feelings and encourages them to open up further.

2. Use “I” Statements: Instead of pointing fingers or blaming, using “I” statements helps you take responsibility for your own feelings. For example, instead of saying, “You never make time for me,” try saying, “I feel lonely when we don’t spend quality time together.” This approach reduces defensiveness and opens the door to more productive conversations.

3. Expressing Vulnerability: One of the most important communication skills in a relationship is the ability to express vulnerability. It takes tremendous courage to be vulnerable and is actually a sign of strength, not weakness. This means sharing your fears, anxieties, and needs with your partner, even when it feels uncomfortable. In EFT, partners are encouraged to open up about their emotions and what they really need from the relationship. Vulnerability is often met with compassion, which deepens emotional intimacy.

4. Empathy and Validation: Empathy is the ability to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and understand their feelings from their perspective. Validation involves acknowledging your partner’s emotions without judgment, even if you don’t always agree with them. For example, if your partner is upset, you might say, “I can see that you’re really hurt by what happened. I understand why you’re feeling that way.”

5. Avoiding Criticism, Defensiveness, Withdraw, and Contempt: Criticism and defensiveness are two of the most damaging behaviors in relationships. When criticism or defensiveness are coupled with contempt, the relationship is in grave danger. Instead of criticizing your partner’s character or attacking them personally, focus on discussing specific behaviors or situations. Likewise, try to respond to criticism with curiosity rather than defensiveness. Instead of saying, “You’re always blaming me,” you might respond, “Can you tell me more about what I did that upset you?”

If you would like to talk more about how couples therapy can align with your needs and goals, call or text 480.378.7341 or email [email protected] to set up a free, 15-minute consultation with a licensed therapist today.